I admit it, I'm a shapeshifter
A patchwork life of messy redirections
All living things tend to gravitate towards homogeneity. We search for consistency and compatibility, finding comfort in routines and predictability—often, happiness too.
The idea of a consistent life is admired by many— living in the community you were born in, working in the same profession for most of your life, or surrounding yourself with the familiarity that soothes and protects.
That’s a good life, and I grew up believing this was what I wanted. I made vision boards about this neat and perfectly puzzled together life. I made plans with friends about how we’d always live on the same street. And I envisioned a career that was linear and constant.
But as fate would have it, my life has been anything but consistent. I have meandered and rambled, switched careers, moved across continents, and strayed into multiple unknowns.
More than a decade ago, I was studying to be a fashion designer.
I went to school for 4 years; worked with textile designers; co-created a summer collection— and at the end, I quit.
I quit to chase a different career in technology.
And that wasn’t the last of my meanders.
Through each redo, I labelled myself as confused or distracted. I lost sleep over it and perhaps a sense of identity too. After all, we’ve allowed identity to be entrenched in what we do. I craved for my comfort zone and a rhythm I could settle into. I wished for a career and a community that I could consider mine for a long time. I wanted to plant roots, not shape-shift.
The idea of dabbling in different things frightened me, and yet I found myself constantly seeking it. I tried to silence these impulses, hoping to quench them with small hobbies, but they continued to demand.
Why wasn’t I fulfilled by one pursuit?
With borrowed wisdom, I realised that I’m meant to be many things in my lifetime. To pursue what I like with a childlike sense of wonder. To live multiple chapters, each one unique and vivid. To shape-shift, not plant roots.
I’m not confused or distracted, I’m simply growing. And in each new season, I grow to value different things. I find meaning, not in one course, but in the many directions the wind flows. I’m drawn to colourful lives, and every few years, I get the itch to seek a new path.
Sticking to things is lauded and for good reason. But I’d rather stick to things when times get hard, not when I’m on the precipice of change. So, I’ve given up the adamance of a consistent life. It is not for me. I’m shedding the self-inflicted labels, embracing the squiggles, and owning my patchwork life of varied existences.
I've come to the realisation that towards the end of life, one would be a bundle of paradoxes. One would explore contrasts, contradict the younger self. And as you mentioned rightly, be a person for a season and another for the following season. It's all about going with the flow. As Herman Hesse takes us along the journey of Siddhartha he draws an impeccable parallel of being like a river. And that's what we eventually become. What better word to describe or associate with a river than 'Shapeshifter'.
Keep going.
Love this! Completely relatable